Changes

Having a chronic illness changes everything.

I wouldn’t say things changed overnight. Throughout the years when my illness gradually got worse things changed, and they kept changing. I tried to adapt to all changes.

You change everything. Your priorities. Your routine. The way you think. Everything.

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I spent so much of my time searching.

For a plan. For answers. The right doctor.

I spent so much time feeling confused and lost.

For such a long time I never really knew what was going on or what was wrong. I never knew what to do next, or what to do at all. Things were out of control. I was to sick to think about anything other than my illness.

The pain. The exhaustion. The struggle. The fight. The confusion. It was easy to get lost along the way. To lose myself.

I am now ready to Find my way. Not to find my way back, but to start over.

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Going in Circles

 Facing challenges everyday is hard to deal with. Being sick everyday definitely takes a toll mentally, emotionally, and of course physically. Having a lot of symptoms that are debilitating and unpredictable are hard to handle every single day. Sometimes its hard to wrap my mind around the fact that this is my current reality at nineteen years old. I can never let my gaurd down with my symptoms, not even for a few hours there to severe to ignore.
Where do I go from here?
How do I move forward when it feels like I’m always going in circles. Nothing about this journey has been easy, but this feels so out of control. I have to take one day at a time, but I want more than this. Now I have to figure out how to get there.

 

“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today. Matthew 6:34

Romans 15:13  May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Instability

For the past five and half years I have always needed an adjustment. The instability of my structure, has been the most frustrating, annoying, and painful ongoing problem of my illness. Since I was thirteen my structure has been unstable. I was having joint pain and didn’t know where to go so I started seeing a DO on a weekly basis. I pretty much needed a regular adjustment a little bit of cranial work done, and I would be a little sore, but the most part I was ok till my next appointment.

I was fourteen I started having chronic sinus infections, and would have an adjustment once of twice week. My structure was gradually becoming worse, one time I went to a chiropractor, and he said that my structure was similar to someone who had been in a car accident. When I was fifteen my muscles were starting to get tighter, and my sinus infections continued, so I started seeing a naturopathic doctor. I had to go two to three times a week and I wasn’t having much relief.

By the time I was sixteen I was needing a three or four adjustments a week. When I would go to my functional/chiropractic he adjusted my cranial bones more and it started to clear up my sinuses. My muscles were feeling worse. My spine, neck, hips, pelvis, cranial bones were constantly out of place. I had chronic neck and back pain. I was in constant pain. I was needing adjustments more and more, it was becoming exhausting. It became hard for me to go without an adjustment. Even going without one for a weekend is really hard, my oxygen and blood sugar become low, my muscle pain is severe, slow CSF, and I have many other complications. I was needing an adjustment five days a week.

The worse my body was internally getting it made my structure worse. When I as seventeen I was really sick. I had inflammation in my brain, my structure was terrible. I was miserable. I could hardly move. I was getting cranial work done twice a day just to stay alive. The only time I wasn’t in pain was the little amount of sleep I would get. This went on off and on for a few months until I met my other doctor. When I was eighteen I began having fascia and soft tissue done five to six a week.

A few months of this some of my pain slowly got a little bit better, but I was still needing work done daily. In the past few months it has become harder to go even a few hours to go without an adjustment. My pain becomes intense, my body starts to slow down really quicker, I will occasional have vertigo. The weekends are usually pretty miserable. Having these problems all the time is really wearing on me physically and mentally. I am absolutely sick of it. Even if I feel a little better internally, structurally I am still unstable. Now that that my body has been like this for so long does it even have the capability to stay stable?

I am grateful I have met some generous, helpful caring doctors. I have had a few miracles along the way. Over the years, they have been kind enough to work on weekends, long hours, holidays, it has helped me stay alive. I don’t know where I would be without there help, but now we are running out of options, and ideas. What happens now?

Doing these treatments are hard on my body. I still cant help but wonder, how much more can my body handle? How much more can I handle? How am going to get through this this time? Will I being doing this for the rest of my life? How much longer can I survive living like this? What if my body rejects all my treatments, then what?

Through faith, generosity of others, and hard work I have made it this far. I pray that I will be able to keep going. I won’t give up.