Update!

Hello! I thought I would update what has been going on lately. My health has been up and down a lot lately. Lately I have been having a lot of nausea, vomiting, and I just haven’t felt well at all. After going to doctor he was pretty sure I had a Hiatal Hernia. Some of the muscle, and  soft tissue work has been helping me feel quite a bit better.I have been watching a lot of the Olympic events lately.  I also started college classes earlier this week so I will see where that takes me.

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This Imperfect Life

 

This Life is messy, unpredictable, and imperfect. Life will never be perfect. Healthy or Sick, but life doesn’t have to be perfect to have meaning. Life can be simple, and it can still be great.

Its easy to think back on hard times and wonder if you could have changed things or somehow avoided some of the struggle or the pain.  I felt anger, depressed, and confused at times when I have thought about it.  I am still learning from those experiences. One thing all of this has taught me is to notice the joy in the small things I used to take for granted.  I have also learned that whether I am healthy or sick life is imperfect.  There will be always be good days and bad.

There will be hardships, and challenges that is inevitable.

When I recover I will have the courage to let go of the past. – unknown

I want to move forward. I want the future to be great. I want to be healthy.

I want to learn to live in moment. I want to feel free of the past.

There will always be goals to set. To work towards. There are always things to learn, and reasons to grow.

“I like cancelled plans. And empty bookstores. I like rainy days and thunderstorms. And quiet coffee shops. I like messy beds and over-worn pajamas. Most of all, I like the small joys that a simple life brings.” – Unknownbe53c5443d5940cd09437f6778ed75cb

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Pieces

Pieces are scattered, lost, how do I find them?

Where do I look?

Can I get them back.

Can I find my way back, and still move forward?

Where I am in this mess?

I have come far, but I can’t see a clear picture.

So much time feeling lost.

How did so much time pass?

I need to find me somewhere in this mess. How do I begin?

The path is unclear. The Future uncertain.

Trying to rebuild myself from the ground. Picking up the pieces along the way.

 

Fighting

Nothing about being chronically sick is easy. Being able to do little things usually seem like big things. Little dreams seem like big dreams.

Going a day without needing an appointment or going without pain, and exhaustion would be a amazing. Its been years since that has happened. I pray it will.

I am unable to drive, go to school, have a job. But fighting to get through the day, surviving the day, is a job all on its own.

Everyday seems like a fight. Everything I do, I fight to do it.

I fight everyday. I fight for my heath. I fight to live. I fight for a future.

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Even if I am feeling a little better my symptoms are still debilitating. Being able to sit up for an hour or so without too much pain or exhaustion is considered a better day. Being able to sit outside, or walking into the kitchen to get my food or drink is something I usually  have to push through to do. Even taking a shower, with a shower chair is still hard most of the time.

How did everything become this hard?

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I can’t run away from my illness. To get through this I have to face it head on, and that is what I try to do everyday.

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I don’t know direction I am headed in.

Do I even have a direction?

I know what my goal is, to get better, to live, not just survive. I guess I will start with that.

 

Instability

For the past five and half years I have always needed an adjustment. The instability of my structure, has been the most frustrating, annoying, and painful ongoing problem of my illness. Since I was thirteen my structure has been unstable. I was having joint pain and didn’t know where to go so I started seeing a DO on a weekly basis. I pretty much needed a regular adjustment a little bit of cranial work done, and I would be a little sore, but the most part I was ok till my next appointment.

I was fourteen I started having chronic sinus infections, and would have an adjustment once of twice week. My structure was gradually becoming worse, one time I went to a chiropractor, and he said that my structure was similar to someone who had been in a car accident. When I was fifteen my muscles were starting to get tighter, and my sinus infections continued, so I started seeing a naturopathic doctor. I had to go two to three times a week and I wasn’t having much relief.

By the time I was sixteen I was needing a three or four adjustments a week. When I would go to my functional/chiropractic he adjusted my cranial bones more and it started to clear up my sinuses. My muscles were feeling worse. My spine, neck, hips, pelvis, cranial bones were constantly out of place. I had chronic neck and back pain. I was in constant pain. I was needing adjustments more and more, it was becoming exhausting. It became hard for me to go without an adjustment. Even going without one for a weekend is really hard, my oxygen and blood sugar become low, my muscle pain is severe, slow CSF, and I have many other complications. I was needing an adjustment five days a week.

The worse my body was internally getting it made my structure worse. When I as seventeen I was really sick. I had inflammation in my brain, my structure was terrible. I was miserable. I could hardly move. I was getting cranial work done twice a day just to stay alive. The only time I wasn’t in pain was the little amount of sleep I would get. This went on off and on for a few months until I met my other doctor. When I was eighteen I began having fascia and soft tissue done five to six a week.

A few months of this some of my pain slowly got a little bit better, but I was still needing work done daily. In the past few months it has become harder to go even a few hours to go without an adjustment. My pain becomes intense, my body starts to slow down really quicker, I will occasional have vertigo. The weekends are usually pretty miserable. Having these problems all the time is really wearing on me physically and mentally. I am absolutely sick of it. Even if I feel a little better internally, structurally I am still unstable. Now that that my body has been like this for so long does it even have the capability to stay stable?

I am grateful I have met some generous, helpful caring doctors. I have had a few miracles along the way. Over the years, they have been kind enough to work on weekends, long hours, holidays, it has helped me stay alive. I don’t know where I would be without there help, but now we are running out of options, and ideas. What happens now?

Doing these treatments are hard on my body. I still cant help but wonder, how much more can my body handle? How much more can I handle? How am going to get through this this time? Will I being doing this for the rest of my life? How much longer can I survive living like this? What if my body rejects all my treatments, then what?

Through faith, generosity of others, and hard work I have made it this far. I pray that I will be able to keep going. I won’t give up.