Fighting

Nothing about being chronically sick is easy. Being able to do little things usually seem like big things. Little dreams seem like big dreams.

Going a day without needing an appointment or going without pain, and exhaustion would be a amazing. Its been years since that has happened. I pray it will.

I am unable to drive, go to school, have a job. But fighting to get through the day, surviving the day, is a job all on its own.

Everyday seems like a fight. Everything I do, I fight to do it.

I fight everyday. I fight for my heath. I fight to live. I fight for a future.

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Even if I am feeling a little better my symptoms are still debilitating. Being able to sit up for an hour or so without too much pain or exhaustion is considered a better day. Being able to sit outside, or walking into the kitchen to get my food or drink is something I usually  have to push through to do. Even taking a shower, with a shower chair is still hard most of the time.

How did everything become this hard?

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I can’t run away from my illness. To get through this I have to face it head on, and that is what I try to do everyday.

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I don’t know direction I am headed in.

Do I even have a direction?

I know what my goal is, to get better, to live, not just survive. I guess I will start with that.

 

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Chronically Normal

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Since I have been sick my health has been consistently gone down hill. I have never had high points.  I am sick everyday, it is hard for me to get around most of the time it has become ‘normal’ for me to have to live this way. My disease has been gradually getting worse, but it also feels like it has gone down really fast. I have to try to deal with my symptoms everyday or they start to get worse really fast, and it causes more problems. Then I wake up the next day and I have to do everything all over again.

I feel like I am unable to get away from my illness. I am dealing with one problem after another, and they never seem to get better.  With every infection or swelling episodes my everyday ‘normal’ becomes worse, and my body never fully recovers. If I can go a couple weeks or a month without having a horrible episode that feels like a relief. I never know really know what to do. I am hoping in a few weeks I will get a few tests sent in and hope we will be able to have a few more answers.

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