Honestly

Every single aspect of living a chronic illness is hard to handle. Everything in your life becomes harder, all the things you used to take for granted don’t come easy anymore.

Sometimes my illness gets the better of me. Sometimes, I hate how hard it can be to hold it all together. I hate how it controlled my life for so long. I hate the pain it has created.

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After seven and half years of dealing with my illness I have learned that no matter what stage my illness has been in that none of them have been easy to handle, it is all difficult. Before I found my current treatment this past summer, my illness came with difficulty like I have never faced before. For about four years or so my life was filled with continuous struggles, difficult battles, and constant pain like I have never felt before. Not being able to escape my illness.

There were so many days that I felt like I don’t know how I was supposed to handle everything. There were so many days I didn’t know how I could handle the same struggles with illness everyday. Everyday I would wake up and the fight was always there. There were so many times when I felt like I had hit my breaking point. All that I have wanted for so long is to feel better.

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But before my illness became so bad I always believed that I could feel better, and I knew I would try my hardest, and I would never quit. Since I have never had an official diagnosis for all of my problems, than no one could really tell me that I could never get better.

For a long time I never really wanted to admit that I couldn’t handle all this. At times it felt as if I was pretending is wasn’t that bad, like it didn’t affect me as much as it actually did. Who was I trying to convince, myself?

For some reason I remember a specific time  two years ago when I had admitted out loud for the first time (of what I can recall anyway) about how I don’t want to be sick anymore. I want to live, to do more than just survive. I’m tired. So tired. How can I keep doing this every single day? How can I handle anymore? I just want to be healthy, more than anything. Of course, I never wanted to be sick, and I always wanted my illness to go away, but for some reason I couldn’t say the words out loud before that point.

I used to think that would be a weakness admitting it was all to much, but its not. It made me feel as if a weight had lifted. It had change my perspective, and it helped me find an inner strength I didn’t know I had. It wasn’t till a year and half after that, that I would find what I had always been working towards. I found my path to recovery. The truth I know now is I was never going to be able to handle this on my own, my faith has kept me going, and to not give up hope.

1 John 5:5 Who is it that overcomes the world? Only the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  2 Timothy 4:7

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This journey has also taught me that the moments of joy you feel are important, even the smallest of moments. You can’t take them for granted.1a2da96d522eaf13d6350f8ff312ea07 The fight has never been easy, but overall with this feeling, this hope, this faith it has been worth it.

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This Imperfect Life

 

This Life is messy, unpredictable, and imperfect. Life will never be perfect. Healthy or Sick, but life doesn’t have to be perfect to have meaning. Life can be simple, and it can still be great.

Its easy to think back on hard times and wonder if you could have changed things or somehow avoided some of the struggle or the pain.  I felt anger, depressed, and confused at times when I have thought about it.  I am still learning from those experiences. One thing all of this has taught me is to notice the joy in the small things I used to take for granted.  I have also learned that whether I am healthy or sick life is imperfect.  There will be always be good days and bad.

There will be hardships, and challenges that is inevitable.

When I recover I will have the courage to let go of the past. – unknown

I want to move forward. I want the future to be great. I want to be healthy.

I want to learn to live in moment. I want to feel free of the past.

There will always be goals to set. To work towards. There are always things to learn, and reasons to grow.

“I like cancelled plans. And empty bookstores. I like rainy days and thunderstorms. And quiet coffee shops. I like messy beds and over-worn pajamas. Most of all, I like the small joys that a simple life brings.” – Unknownbe53c5443d5940cd09437f6778ed75cb

This hope

Through this illness, struggle, and pain ,and through this fight I have this hope.

This hope of being able to find true happiness beyond this struggle.

This hope of being able to be stronger from all of this.

This hope of being able to get better, to fully recover.

This hope of being able to try new things and not be afraid.

This hope of being able to truly live not just survive.

This hope of being able to find myself in my struggle.

This hope of being able to reach my goals for the future.

Hope, Faith, Goals, Dreams. I want to make these things the focus of my life moving forward.

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Changes

Having a chronic illness changes everything.

I wouldn’t say things changed overnight. Throughout the years when my illness gradually got worse things changed, and they kept changing. I tried to adapt to all changes.

You change everything. Your priorities. Your routine. The way you think. Everything.

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I spent so much of my time searching.

For a plan. For answers. The right doctor.

I spent so much time feeling confused and lost.

For such a long time I never really knew what was going on or what was wrong. I never knew what to do next, or what to do at all. Things were out of control. I was to sick to think about anything other than my illness.

The pain. The exhaustion. The struggle. The fight. The confusion. It was easy to get lost along the way. To lose myself.

I am now ready to Find my way. Not to find my way back, but to start over.

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Video

Limitless

I love this song. ❤

When I first heard this song I has a really difficult time dealing with my illness. I know I will never have the strength to handle my illness on my own. God will always be bigger than the struggle I am facing.

You say: “It’s impossible ” God says: All things are possible

You say: ” I am too tired ” God says: I will give you rest.

You say: ” I can’t go on” God says: My grace is sufficient

You say: ” I can’t do it” God says: You can do all things

You say: ” I am not able” God says: I am able

You say:” It’s not worth it” God says: It will be worth it