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Worthwhile

“God never said that the journey would be easy, but her did say that the arrival would be worthwhile.” – Max Lucado

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Climbing

 

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Things have changed.

Things are still changing.

One step at a time.

I feel like a different person.

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I’m Climbing up the from the bottom, and it feels amazing.

I am finally climbing up instead of falling back down.

This is the change I have always been looking for.

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Honestly

Every single aspect of living a chronic illness is hard to handle. Everything in your life becomes harder, all the things you used to take for granted don’t come easy anymore.

Sometimes my illness gets the better of me. Sometimes, I hate how hard it can be to hold it all together. I hate how it controlled my life for so long. I hate the pain it has created.

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After seven and half years of dealing with my illness I have learned that no matter what stage my illness has been in that none of them have been easy to handle, it is all difficult. Before I found my current treatment this past summer, my illness came with difficulty like I have never faced before. For about four years or so my life was filled with continuous struggles, difficult battles, and constant pain like I have never felt before. Not being able to escape my illness.

There were so many days that I felt like I don’t know how I was supposed to handle everything. There were so many days I didn’t know how I could handle the same struggles with illness everyday. Everyday I would wake up and the fight was always there. There were so many times when I felt like I had hit my breaking point. All that I have wanted for so long is to feel better.

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But before my illness became so bad I always believed that I could feel better, and I knew I would try my hardest, and I would never quit. Since I have never had an official diagnosis for all of my problems, than no one could really tell me that I could never get better.

For a long time I never really wanted to admit that I couldn’t handle all this. At times it felt as if I was pretending is wasn’t that bad, like it didn’t affect me as much as it actually did. Who was I trying to convince, myself?

For some reason I remember a specific time  two years ago when I had admitted out loud for the first time (of what I can recall anyway) about how I don’t want to be sick anymore. I want to live, to do more than just survive. I’m tired. So tired. How can I keep doing this every single day? How can I handle anymore? I just want to be healthy, more than anything. Of course, I never wanted to be sick, and I always wanted my illness to go away, but for some reason I couldn’t say the words out loud before that point.

I used to think that would be a weakness admitting it was all to much, but its not. It made me feel as if a weight had lifted. It had change my perspective, and it helped me find an inner strength I didn’t know I had. It wasn’t till a year and half after that, that I would find what I had always been working towards. I found my path to recovery. The truth I know now is I was never going to be able to handle this on my own, my faith has kept me going, and to not give up hope.

1 John 5:5 Who is it that overcomes the world? Only the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  2 Timothy 4:7

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This journey has also taught me that the moments of joy you feel are important, even the smallest of moments. You can’t take them for granted.1a2da96d522eaf13d6350f8ff312ea07 The fight has never been easy, but overall with this feeling, this hope, this faith it has been worth it.

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This hope

Through this illness, struggle, and pain ,and through this fight I have this hope.

This hope of being able to find true happiness beyond this struggle.

This hope of being able to be stronger from all of this.

This hope of being able to get better, to fully recover.

This hope of being able to try new things and not be afraid.

This hope of being able to truly live not just survive.

This hope of being able to find myself in my struggle.

This hope of being able to reach my goals for the future.

Hope, Faith, Goals, Dreams. I want to make these things the focus of my life moving forward.

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Changes

Having a chronic illness changes everything.

I wouldn’t say things changed overnight. Throughout the years when my illness gradually got worse things changed, and they kept changing. I tried to adapt to all changes.

You change everything. Your priorities. Your routine. The way you think. Everything.

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I spent so much of my time searching.

For a plan. For answers. The right doctor.

I spent so much time feeling confused and lost.

For such a long time I never really knew what was going on or what was wrong. I never knew what to do next, or what to do at all. Things were out of control. I was to sick to think about anything other than my illness.

The pain. The exhaustion. The struggle. The fight. The confusion. It was easy to get lost along the way. To lose myself.

I am now ready to Find my way. Not to find my way back, but to start over.

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A journey

I can relate to this so much!

“We become the illness without even realizing it and lose the people we once were – I’m on a journey to try and find that person again – to LIVE in between the flares.” – Unknown