I don’t want this feeling to be apart of me anymore.  I should be used to it by now. I want to it leave. The pain. The struggle. Feeling lost.



I am closer now, though. To the light. The hope. The Freedom. The Joy.  Its there, I know it is. I look for it. I am ready to find it. To feel it. Its close.




Seven years

August, 2008 is when I first got sick. Its been seven long years.

Seven years of searching for answers. Seven years of unanswered questions. Seven years of tests, failed treatments, pain, and exhaustion. Seven years of hoping, trying, and waiting for things to get better. Seven years without an official diagnosis. Seven years my illness has gradually gotten worse.


Even though it has been seven years sometimes I feel like not much has changed. I am still looking answers, still having tests done, and still looking for the right people to help me. But I do know that I have changed. I have become stronger, and my illness has taught me so many things, good and bad. I will continue to search, learn, and find ways to feel better.

Proverbs 3:5-6  Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Psalms 27:13-14   I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!
Romans 12:12  Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Chronically Normal


Since I have been sick my health has been consistently gone down hill. I have never had high points.  I am sick everyday, it is hard for me to get around most of the time it has become ‘normal’ for me to have to live this way. My disease has been gradually getting worse, but it also feels like it has gone down really fast. I have to try to deal with my symptoms everyday or they start to get worse really fast, and it causes more problems. Then I wake up the next day and I have to do everything all over again.

I feel like I am unable to get away from my illness. I am dealing with one problem after another, and they never seem to get better.  With every infection or swelling episodes my everyday ‘normal’ becomes worse, and my body never fully recovers. If I can go a couple weeks or a month without having a horrible episode that feels like a relief. I never know really know what to do. I am hoping in a few weeks I will get a few tests sent in and hope we will be able to have a few more answers.